I don’t even know what to think. The last minute rejection of the art, made me feel so bad. I understand that they draw their stuff from csm and nyt and lat and also that, they have their reserve in it. It’s only a fact that they do not need stuff for that col. Because they get cute ones from their tribune.
Still, from my side, for me, it meant a lot. I need to face the fact that my best need not fit into others mould of excellence. I need to face the fact that my babies are precious only to me and not to all. Caliber and talent does not topple power and standards. And that I am mere loser, a sucker.
I can always pin my hopes to a star and try again. I know it might just take a one time shot to make them change their views, that talent is available even here too, not only in LA and NY. That they need to look beyond their ease and availability. I know I have the grit in me to make it work. Yet, I feel lost…
I don’t want to be talking to him, again and again. I know I am distancing someone, just like that and that makes me a less accountable person on terms of my integrity. But then, it’s also a known fact that I don’t need any more people in my life than the people whom I already have. I have best friends, I have sisters, I have a mom and a hubby who fills my life’s avenues. And I am no more the teeny bopper eyed little girl, who welcomed all smarty pants know it alls into my life. I am past that stage and even though I enjoy talking and being a cool wise cracker, it also makes me feel guilty when the friend is of the opposite sex. It makes me feel guilty, as I does not approve of being overtly friendly with anyone. I know I am restricting my freedom, but then I makes a lot of sense and it is for my best, so why shouldn’t I listen to him. After all the whole world put together cannot love me as he does or protect me and put me under their wings like he does. I trust him and his judgment. He is just too right.
But when has that stopped me from having another adventure with another person. And on the other hand I also love the sense of exhilaration when I talk to new people, when I exchange ideas, when I let in new ideas, when I discuss stuff with people who are of the same wavelength, same intellectual callibre, same frequency, regardless of gender.
Also, not being ready to talk to him again, is in no ways related to the rejection of my art. I am not that bad. I wasn’t like trying to use him or his positions to get my art take off. I am not a bitch. And more than him, I would hate doing something so downright cheap and dirty like that. To state clearly and in plain speak simile, I wouldn’t sleep with anyone for my promotion. I would let my work give me my promotion, no two ways about that.
The issue is like this- I have been taken for a ride by many smart asses before that, I no longer trust anyone. I can’t believe people go chummy with each other for no reason at all, esp. if they belong to the opposite gender. I no longer trust in the simplicity of relations as I once used to. Is that all that bad? Or do I make sense? I really don’t know…
Maybe I should just hang in here and try to find out. But many a times, it has lead me to lose my dignity, my elegance, my grace. You try to talk to someone and impress them with your lofty ideals and wild dreams; they just take advantage of you and use you. And you are left feeling worse than you imagined yourself in your paranoid mind.
This whole world is so full of worthless people, you know. People who are unworthy of the love and trust you place in them. I don’t know one single person who has not hurt me back, even though I have given them my all. Reminds me of a line…Even if a person does not love you the way you want, it doesn’t mean that they haven’t loved you with all of theirs. I wish I could believe in the sanctity of that and simply sleep over it. I wish…
I see no solution to my confusions. I know not what I should do. Time is the best teacher, I shall wait…