Sunday, November 23, 2008

To the T

The T article generated a lot of 'Do you really meet them?' queries.
 
I never realised there was soo much of oomph factor associated with films and film celebrities. T was a totally down to earth with no celebrity hangups. That kind of made me underestimate the WOW factor that my article could generate.
 
I was totally on top of the world these last three days. Thursday was full of happiness as opposed to far to go.
 
I am a Saturdays child and as per the rhyme I have to always, always work twice as hard for anything.
 

Mondays child is fair of face,
Tuesdays child is full of grace,
Wednesdays child is full of woe,
Thursdays child has far to go,
Fridays child is loving and giving,
Saturdays child works hard for his living,
And the child that is born on the Sabbath day
Is bonny and blithe, and good and gay.

 
But this Thursday was a nice day, full of happiness. I had this feeling which I used to have on special Eid days and birthdays which I had forgone somewhere in my childhood.
 
T's article [without any errata on the magazine's side] was a perfect topping.
 
Our shopping for vacation is almost done. We are pretty relaxed, with I's job front looking up. All my articles are postponed for after-vacation. So I am also all relaxed. Maybe I can write a s-o. I dont really want to considering their choosing criteria. So I will just leave it outta my mind to avoid unwanted stress.

 

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Disillusioned

Now that things are really looking up on the writing side, I am totally disillusioned by the way stuff get messed up at the dailies.
 
Yesterday they wanted me to postpone an interview because they wanted to do the BG check now. What they hell were they doing all these days? The worst part is yet to come. I must make an excuse that I am leaving on a vacation urgently and hence so. Eeeeew! These people are disgusting beyond reason. For lag on their part, I must take the blame on MY fragile head, what the fuck!
 
The other mess up they did, by interchanging fotos, you know what they did? They asked me to call up and apologize. I did it! But somehow it was more honourable if they did it from their office side. It was defenitely like respecting the people whose pix were messed up. So much more integrity, if they called, as I am not even on their rollcalls.
 
I cant believe it that such a reputed daily and this is what goes on within their closed doors...Uggggghh!
 
So many skeletons tumbling out, that too in a matter of 10 days, I am feeling freaked out!
 
Its not so nice to discover that your idols afterall only had feet of clay.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Only so long

I just found one thing.
 
An earth shattering sort of finding.
 
A tangent that never occurred to me, but now that I have found it, it fits the pieces in the puzzles like never before.
 
He is jealous of me. Plain and simple.
 
I have a good family, children, husband. A family. That has not forsaken me or will never forsake me, because they are my first priority. Love is foremost, above all else. And my children will always be my best commitment.
 
He does not have that. Or had it. But they abandoned him. For his character is so. And all he gets to do to be near his daughter is record umpteen Tom and Jerry and other cartoons to appease his daughter's love. What a pathetic waste. But he deserves that. For being the kind of person he is. Or rather, his loss of all things good in life, makes him the moron he is now. Understandable but not justified. Maybe if he knew his faults and attempted to rectify them, he might lead a better life from at least now on.
 
Second.
 
He cannot do half the things I do now. Professionally. He knows I am much more bright and intelligent than him. Much higher qualified than him. And if I were in his position, I would do a high standard job than him. So he is afraid of that too.
 
If I read the excel/word/MS documents like him(the only thing he does), I could topple him. He is afraid of that. It is that inadequacy that makes him so gossipy and bitchy. To avoid his shortcomings, he keeps pelting dirt at others.
 
How long will the wolf dyed blue, remain the king of the jungle. Only as long as a full moon night, where he finds the urge to howl unbearable and uncontainable.
 
Only so long.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

I wish him respite...from the claws of eternal hell fire

For every bad word, he speaks against me
For every ill thought he spreads against me
For every malicious notion he spreads against me
For every every breach of his gnarly rotten conscience against goodness
 
I say a prayer for him, I wish his heart to rebuke his mind
I wish him guilt for all his wrongdoings
I wish he escapes from the claws of hell fire
That God lays in store for liars and gossipers
 
I wish him a transformation of his bad gene
I wish him a change of heart from mind
I wish him knowledge and awareness
OF all that he is so dreadfully unconscious of now
 
I wish him forgiveness from God Almighty
I wish him well
I wish him change from his devious devilish wrong ways
I wish him a difference and more of goodwill

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Trust

I was thinking about what you said about trusting people...You know...that its always good to nurse a healthy amount of suspicion on all those who aren't directly related to you.
 
I disagree with that. I think we just need to keep our instincts sharp. When you talk with someone, at the first go, if you feel uncomfortable, let them go. Don't talk. If you feel an inkling of genuineness, I think it will be happier and a better relation, if you trust them. I think trust is the key in any relation.
 
The other side of it is, when you go with your instincts and suppose you made a mistake and the other person cheated you, don't give them a second chance. Give chance to break your trust just once. They aren't worthy people after that, neither of you, nor your trust.
 
Probably a journalist cannot afford to do that, yet, I think for an ordinary person like me, that is the only way. Extremism :)
 
And what is the fun in living if you always have to be careful? Whatever happened to that aspect of life, where spontaneity was the mother of all unbounded joys.
 
I think in the larger scheme of things, basic nature is what builds up attitude, in all aspects of thought and in general life. What do you think?
 
Probably it boils down to the attitude of Do or die!
 
 

Sunday, July 6, 2008

All is well

So they have asked me to do an article on someone. And B is also approved for the bigger col. Great. And I am talking to him again, as before. All is well in heaven.

My dad went away from us o his permanent abode 17 long years back. It feels so long and when my babies ask about mummy I miss daddy all the more. I don’t even want to write about it.

Then Del- how did she figure it was abandon. Are things as open as that? Is it written all over my lady that I am in love with him? My goodness, paranoid me has her wild nightmares becoming true... But somehow I don’t feel fazed. All I feel is funny and how do I trick Del to make her believe its not the way she thinks. In short, mislead her!

Saturday, July 5, 2008

I don’t know…

I don’t even know what to think. The last minute rejection of the art, made me feel so bad. I understand that they draw their stuff from csm and nyt and lat and also that, they have their reserve in it. It’s only a fact that they do not need stuff for that col. Because they get cute ones from their tribune.

Still, from my side, for me, it meant a lot. I need to face the fact that my best need not fit into others mould of excellence. I need to face the fact that my babies are precious only to me and not to all. Caliber and talent does not topple power and standards. And that I am mere loser, a sucker.

I can always pin my hopes to a star and try again. I know it might just take a one time shot to make them change their views, that talent is available even here too, not only in LA and NY. That they need to look beyond their ease and availability. I know I have the grit in me to make it work. Yet, I feel lost…

I don’t want to be talking to him, again and again. I know I am distancing someone, just like that and that makes me a less accountable person on terms of my integrity. But then, it’s also a known fact that I don’t need any more people in my life than the people whom I already have. I have best friends, I have sisters, I have a mom and a hubby who fills my life’s avenues. And I am no more the teeny bopper eyed little girl, who welcomed all smarty pants know it alls into my life. I am past that stage and even though I enjoy talking and being a cool wise cracker, it also makes me feel guilty when the friend is of the opposite sex. It makes me feel guilty, as I does not approve of being overtly friendly with anyone. I know I am restricting my freedom, but then I makes a lot of sense and it is for my best, so why shouldn’t I listen to him. After all the whole world put together cannot love me as he does or protect me and put me under their wings like he does. I trust him and his judgment. He is just too right.

But when has that stopped me from having another adventure with another person. And on the other hand I also love the sense of exhilaration when I talk to new people, when I exchange ideas, when I let in new ideas, when I discuss stuff with people who are of the same wavelength, same intellectual callibre, same frequency, regardless of gender.

Also, not being ready to talk to him again, is in no ways related to the rejection of my art. I am not that bad. I wasn’t like trying to use him or his positions to get my art take off. I am not a bitch. And more than him, I would hate doing something so downright cheap and dirty like that. To state clearly and in plain speak simile, I wouldn’t sleep with anyone for my promotion. I would let my work give me my promotion, no two ways about that.

The issue is like this- I have been taken for a ride by many smart asses before that, I no longer trust anyone. I can’t believe people go chummy with each other for no reason at all, esp. if they belong to the opposite gender. I no longer trust in the simplicity of relations as I once used to. Is that all that bad? Or do I make sense? I really don’t know…

Maybe I should just hang in here and try to find out. But many a times, it has lead me to lose my dignity, my elegance, my grace. You try to talk to someone and impress them with your lofty ideals and wild dreams; they just take advantage of you and use you. And you are left feeling worse than you imagined yourself in your paranoid mind.

This whole world is so full of worthless people, you know. People who are unworthy of the love and trust you place in them. I don’t know one single person who has not hurt me back, even though I have given them my all. Reminds me of a line…Even if a person does not love you the way you want, it doesn’t mean that they haven’t loved you with all of theirs. I wish I could believe in the sanctity of that and simply sleep over it. I wish…

I see no solution to my confusions. I know not what I should do. Time is the best teacher, I shall wait…

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

All done

For the ann celebs they came and did the profiles on me. The kut was such a nice man that he did a family shot also.

Today morning I thought he had send me only my shots. But he had send the rest to the other ids, what a kind old man. He had the courtesy to send me all those unofficially. How sweet. Knowing the fact that the pix are copyrighte to the people and they only give it if we request for it. It felt real nice.

I thot he send me only partly. How wrongly we judge people isnt it. We have all preconveived notions and so much distrust of people, we just tend to believe that all people are bad. But just look at the world.

Maybe we are too much on safegiard and distrust all too much. Maybe we need to believe a little more of this world

About uncle and his need for me.

It was a sad end to the Hocus pocus article. I feel so sorry for uncle.  Wish it didn't have to end up that way. I am just praying and crossing my fingers that it turns out to be a bogus. I hope his tests reveal that he is allright. I really wish him well. And I feel bad about all the fights I had with z regarding uncle and his non enthus ways. Anyways, as someone said, maybe he needed my prayers, and that is why things turned out this way. Looking at it now, makes me think, that indeed that is right. Uncle has got few people who will genuinely pray for him. So I guess he needs me, now. God please help him. He isn't all that rich or able to come out of this, so please spare him. Spare all of us God from all the miseries you plan for us. Please God.
 
 

Monday, June 16, 2008

Adjusting,coordinating and negotiating

 

I haven't had a worse job than this one. I am thanking my lucky stars that I am not a PRO or in any of that kind of jobs where my main work would be liaising with people or coordinating dates or so!

I always knew artists were a bit nakre walleh, but this rookie of a guy is the limit.

He is pleased with the prospect of being i'vied and going high profile and all that, but just cant cooperate for photo shoots...how gross!

Somehow I feel he is just being a little too introvertish and digging his heels for nothing at all.

And that puts me into a lot of trouble...I am dreaming of making this to fine print and this uncle seems to be hell bent on pouring cold water on all my hard work.

And z is the diplomat in between, who seems to be squished in the process. She must be thinking, "ethu nerathaanaavo ee idea thalayil vannathu"...I wont blame her for that.

I was reading SmitaJain yesterday. She had a line which said, if you think your job is over after the writing is done, then think again. Its only beginning.

I so know what she is talking about. Writing the article for the magazine was the easiest part, I guess. I just dilly dallied with it for so much time, but when I started it it got over in about roughly 3 hours, 2 hours of rewriting, 1 hour of editing and additions.

To coordinate with the artist and the magazine editors seems to be the tougher job. And in the process I even had to give my lady's url. Anyways a fiction blog is for public consumption, so there.

The ed seems to be a nice fella, my feelers so far have not detected rays of distrust or negations, we will just wait and watch.

I just hope this works out fast, and good!

 


 

Sunday, June 15, 2008

The fine balance

 

As we turned around from Quran Roundabout a third time, I was nearly exploding.

First it was K's unanswering of phone calls! And now finding the route. That reminds me I have to jot down, all the ways.

That done, poor F went to the watchman and got him to tell us the way.

Then I went for Jumaa, and we bought food from local Sar. By the time K came back and then they went to Burdubai. It was real late by the time they came back. The kids had a whale of a time. Me too. Just eating and chilling out.

Then we went to R's home. 4 something preggie, but she's blotched out with excess water content. Looks so scary.

Then started the next marathon. We couldnt find our way back to R's home and we had such a tough time with the kids. We wasted a royal 1 hour on the roads. Then off to R's home...puri and fries and then off to N's home and idiappam and mutts.

Back at 10.45...I was so sleepy, he couldnt keep his eyes open. We had to stop at so many place's and sleep. I was petrified and had the living daylights scared out of me. Every wakeful non drowsy minute was spend in a prayer.

We reached home safe and sound only by 2.15. Alhamdulillah, for your grace God.

I was down with fever and all. Poor girl.

But cant help saying this, I really felt happy doing this trip. Though, we always face a lot of technical issues driving to so many places, at the end of it, it all seems worthwhile! Always. Every single time.

 

 

Monday, June 9, 2008

My favourite things...innocence

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens

Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens

Brown paper packages tied up with strings

These are a few of my favorite things

 

Cream colored ponies and crisp apple streudels

Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles

Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings

These are a few of my favorite Things

 

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes

Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes

Silver white winters that melt into springs

These are a few of my favorite Things

 

When the dog bites

When the bee stings

When I'm feeling sad

I simply remember my favorite Things

And then I don't feel so bad.

 

Oscar Hammerstein II,

Lyricist of "My Favorite Things" from The Sound of Music

 

 

Sound of Music is one of my favourite movies. There is something about it that makes me feel so good. All the songs in that movie are my favourites, not to mention Favourite things and I am sixteen going on seventeen.

 

I saw that movie when I was sixteen. I think maybe that was the reason…

 

Childhood is always associated with innocence and all things bright and beautiful, always…

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Magic of words

A still sound. A flux less movement. A flurry of invisible. A storm in the blink of an eye. Colourless rainbow. Apocalyptic hopes.
 
The way the words paint those vivid images with its rich tapestry - the warps and wefts of words and the silent design of unsaid words.
 
That world is magic, that creation is fantastic, that imagery is vivid.
 
Sometimes, you feel like a small butterfly, crimson wings standing on the edges of those flower words, drinking nectar from its depth and getting heady...You transform into those inanimate and animate objects that is being described...
 
Its sheer magic!

Saturday, May 31, 2008

My maid...

is so sweet...

She is almost like me...

Hahaha!

She cries at the drop of a hat, is a sentimental idiot. ANd does what she can do, to the best of her abilities and worries its not good enough. Fair! I should say. Because that is just like me...

I do my best, mostly it isnt the very best available around or in the industry, so there.

But I love her for her conscience. For trying her best, even if its not the brightest in the industry!

She cooks real bad, I have to keep harping it in. And her cleaning skills are just good. But she loves the kids, and has fun with them, I like that. I hate her taking so much freedom, as if the kids were her own...Hah! That leaves me feeling queasy...

And when she scolds the doctors for not treating kids with the meds that cures quickly and all that I am like ROFL, thinking of her concern...I just pray to Lord, tht I never discover that it was fake. But I also pray to God to keep my instincts sharp, so that I can detect the fakeness in its first come!

Thats it!

Thursday, May 29, 2008

No Response

Sometimes no one wants to respond to real issues. Just a single reco from an old man. If you write chik lit or romance or tik-chik tik chik stuff, people respond soo easily. And when it comes to social awareness issues, that really needs a lotta public attention, people wince to participate.

What a sad gone to the dogs world!

I wish I could make a change- a real change!

On another note that editor, he never called back with the photo shoot dates...So tuff this wait!

I know it will work out eventually, but somehow patience is just not my forte :(

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Walking

I have been walking the past two days, to be a fitter me!

And I cant walk at all today. My kneecap pains like an old groucchy woman's.

I drove alone to Spencers yesterday! Yay!

And I talked about Misma somewhere today. Sad stuff, sad girl..

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

All I need is to be free...

Some days, you just want to be plain lazy, even when you are at work or whatever.
 
Like while away your time, laze around, maybe sleep a bit, stretch a little- O languorous summer afternoons, how I crave for thee...
 
I wish I was at home, watching TV or the Bridget Jones movie which I missed, an egg sandwich in hand, a cup of hot milky coffee, the right sugar, the right filtering, and coffee should be Bru - No nescafe, no Maxwell, no nothing else!
 
I wish my F was not sick and didnt have to miss his school. I wish I could lose all the weight that I wish to lose. I wish I could drive as well as I imagine. I wish I was in Bangalore with my mommie darling, I wish I had a magic wand and make Fa see the light of reason, I wish Fa could balance between mommie and her hubby, I wish I also lost weight, I wish I won a lottery, I wish I qualified for his certifications soon and got the wunderjob that he wants, I wish I could fly, I wish I had a bunch of maid of orleans[ jasmine] on my table right now, I wish I was eating soanpappadi[ only haldiram's] right now, I wish I could join Bharathanatyam classes again, I wish I could take singing lessons, I wish I could complete the book I so want to write, I wish I could go skiing in the alpines, I wish could decorate my home with fresh roses every single day, I wish my dying Fern would revive, I wish at least one of the RamaThulasi sprouts made it to a big plant on my window sill, I wish I could always wear glass bangles, rainbow colours, even to office, I wish N's baby got well soon, I wish Sure got a job, I wish someone could walk, I wish V would reconcile his differences with his gf and marry soon and have babies, first a girl and then a boy, I wish S's hubby wasn't impotent, I wish Mishmas to get married soon, I wish Me to find her bearings, set her priorities right and get married to a normal decent person, I wish I could learn to play Papa kehte hai on guitar, I wish I and me died together at the same moment, I wish we live to be real old and real happy and real healthy and F and I are well settled and fulfilled in life, I wish we both walk hand in hand till the end of time and disappear on the sands of time, I wish I could see Bi and Bi and S and R, I wish I wouldn't have wrinkles even when I turn 50 or 60, like Shobha de or Vandana Luthra, I wish I could go on a world tour every year from this year, I wish I could build our dream home, and wake up to the sounds of bird twitters and stream gurgles every single morning, I wish I could be an author like Paulo Coelho, write biennial books, have the same will and righteousness in life, I wish I won the booker, pulitzer or nobel for writing, I wish I would live a fulfilled and enlightened person, I wish... I wish ...I wish...
 
I wish for the stars, I reach for them...
 
Some day I will be truly free....
 
 

LOUSY GMAIL!

 

 

I lost two of my gmail ids in a span of one week. One couldn't match my username and password (which was the correct password) and the other just got disabled!

 

I have sent umpteen correspondences to their technical support team, but all seem to have fallen into useless hands. I get their automated reply and a template reply, which was almost same for both the ids.

 

This was the reply to my last woe plea to them

 

 

Hello,

Thank you for your report.

 

Google takes abuse situations like this very seriously. We apologize for what you have experienced in this regard.

To help us process your request as quickly as possible, please fill out a report:
https://www.google.com/support/accounts/bin/request.py?contact_type=ara&ctx=accounts

Provide as much information as you can: if you're not sure about something, tell us whatever you think might be helpful.

Please note that we don't need your password or other sensitive information, and we encourage you to keep such information closely guarded.

Upon receiving the above information, we'll investigate the issue further and report back to you as soon as possible.


Sincerely,


The Google Team

 

 

I still haven't got my ids enabled and I have lost all hope.

 

And even though, it isn't a tragedy of life altering proportions, I feel low and down and stupidly idiotic, for not saving my gmail contacts and for giving that id for all my freelancing contact works!

 

I also feel conceited for feeling sooo bad about just a stupid mail id, after all, there was life before mails and there will be life after mails, in the same exuberant, enthusiastic sprightly way, yet…

 

My mom used to say, "She can't bear to lose even a needle, she takes care of her things so well!" Yea, I am obsessed about my possessions, even though not in a materialistic sort of way. I don't yearn for rich and branded stuff, or for the in and style stuff, but whatever little I own, I take good care of them.

 

So it goes without saying that I feel like an absolute at-loss, even when it's something as easily replaceable as a mail id!

O well! I gotta stop these woe-be-me rants. What the heck! I am just gonna create a new id and carry on, BUT NOT DEFENITELY ON AN UNRELIABLE ERRATIC GMAIL. A HUGE BOO TO GMAIL!!!

 

Just for the records, I was a huge fan of gmail, I used to recommend it to all my friends. But how can one trust a system that just disables your ID one fine morning, with no errors, no warnings and no REASON! So FOLKS, backup your data with gmail!

 

GMAIL, you just earned yourself a stoic enemy from an arduous fan!

 

And I must remember to dissociate my blogger from gmail!

 

If I have any good news from gmail, I will update this! And what a huge if that looks like!

Monday, May 19, 2008

Finally...good driving

Today finally I drove fine! NO blunders! No safety bloopers! No wrong horns!
 
I am slowy becoming the kinda driver I wanna be. YAY!

Some people are so crass...

Sometimes people do anything to get a topic, A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G
 
Its a dog eats dog world...what I wanna say is some people will even eat dogs to make it news,ewww. So gross.
 
So the King of Crap, yest dished out his pages, with the one sent I sent on private nw. What a south end of an ass!
 
But hes said it all in there itself, unless you dish out real good stuff, why would anyone leave an opinion unless they are in some way obliged to them. Like for instance they were nice to you on your stuff.
 
Another Superdash, I guess. Sometimes I wonder, if its the same guy in a new avatar! In some weirdo angle, I even feel he looks like the same guy. Whatever.
 
People, they go to any extent to get popular(notorious is more the right word!)
 
And when in dearth of topics or excitement will throw their mothers on the dance floor, just to watch her drunk- binge- makeout. And then make news or movies outta the crap. Look- what- my- mother- did- last- night, would be the name of the clip. NO! REALLY! They do. You don't know such people, I Know many such, in fact two is the count on free space, for real!
 
No wonder the paparazzi hound Brit or Lohan. This cheap slut- of- a -man does it for free, on the freespace for no stakes at all. Just cheap publicity stunts on a freespace of no value. Just imagine what this kinda people would do, if they were offered money for doing this. They wouldn't mind taping Brit on her throne. Crap!
 

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Maybe I am jealous...Maybe I am wrong...

This is in no way a grouse against mommy. I know what a great mom she is. I need no convincing on that part or any certificates from any external sources to martyr her for what she has done.

And I also know that had it been any of these people who are trying to patronize or martyrs her by talking great of her, wouldn’t have done anything better than what she has done. So quit all that great talks that my mom is great. I feel like puking when I hear that.

And if I were grown up enough or knew as much as I knew now, I would have forced her to go find a life of her own, instead of wasting it on thankless children like us. Period.

That said, I know what a great lady she is, and that I am not half as good as her. And my bloody thankless sisters, not even a quarter of me. I think quality diminishes with the age group. Anyways.

I was just overhearing Ri talking to her mom through the phone. The luck of being a single daughter. Her mom must be roughly my mom's age.

Her infant is under the strong custody of her mom and her older dotty returns home to her mom. How bloody lucky. At least for those innocent kids, I am happy for them. Some people just have it all.

MY babies are smaller than hers and I had such a tough time with my preggie state and another baby in hand and this job. I never had the comfort or luxury of having my mom with me. And even when she was here, my mom wasn’t deft or strong enough to handle my kids. The maid was always in vogue.

Look at Ri, they dismissed their part full time maid and now has someone who comes for two hours of the day. So mom's the new maid and babysitter. Not that I want my mom to be a maid at my home or a babysitter, still...just look at the luck of catty Ri. Man! Some people have it all.

So, I am all and mighty feeling pretty jealous. Not jealous that Ri had a maid cum babysitter cum mom, but jealous that I miss my mom so much...

I miss sleeping on her hands and talking to her. I miss the affection and attention of the person who loves me most in this world.

And it breaks my heart that my sisters can be so cruel to her. One after her bitch of a husband and the other behind the X guy. What has my mom done to deserve a life like that?

When I was smaller (and sometimes even now) I used to wish that there was soap that would magically wash away all the pimples on my face and give me a clear skin.

Nowadays I wish I had a magical wand, which would set my sisters mindsets straight and make them see the daylight. Indirectly that would make my mom happy.

Other than dad's death, I wish she had nothing to really worry about. How I wish...

Why can’t people just be normal? Why cant brother's and sisters love one another and their parents unfailingly and unconditionally.

Why can’t I have all the money he needs and quit his worry of not being one of the richest people on earth?

Why can’t we just love one another so deeply and truly that there would never be a trace of doubt in our minds?

Why cant things just be simple and normal?

Is it all too much to ask for?

The Quirky Six

If there are six degrees of connection and six people like us, then someone somewhere must be going through what we went through, isn't it?
 
And why the six angled hexagon connection? So that means if we find and put together the six people, in a sum up, they would have gone through the same set of situations, the same gains, the same losses, the same stuff.
 
So does that mean that when you read a contemporary live writer, or see a painting by an artist, or a poetry by a poet and if each and every word they write identifies with what you feel and have gone through, then they are part of your six circle.
 
I am dazed by the connections some people experience. Like the blind anklets in Del's family, like the unhappy happiness of a marital home, like the longing and thirst in Del's writing, sometimes the total contentment in being the way she is, the part identification with music, nature, songs, dance, love...
 
And then there is Abandon, where word to word of our love themes match, the thirst and the sense of unbelong, the feeling that none loves as us. As is said, the fascination, the charm, the beauty is in the concept itself. Is it? I wonder if true soul mates doesn't exist. I am sure they do, sometimes I am awed by the thread of beautiful love that exists between Morgan and Melisaa. I haven't heard from her for a long time, I certainly hope they aren't going through a messy divorce or anything. From what I have read and known, I think there exists a real classic contemporary case of real love.
 
As Abandon says, I don't think, the paramount of love is because there is always tragedy involved at the end of it...No, there must be some muthassan and muthassi like in Minnaminunginte nurungu vettam, who really stood for one another and slowly died together on the banks of Bharathapuzhya.
 
I am sure Love does exist in its fullness, in its depth and in its truthful honesty....somewhere...betwixt two normal humans...in all places....just they don't come in the limelight...
 
When there is tragedy involved, it is highlighted, as in Khalil Gibran's, as in many other unrequited, unfulfilled loves...that's all...
 
When it is realised, people are so content in its aura, they don't need mediums or even other people to patronise or accept them.
 
They are happy to be. Just to be...
 
 

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Yes and No

"No, not now."

"I am tired." As he moves a soft hand over my midriff, sqeezing softly. Sex always begins with a No.

"You dozed off. Thats why the tired..."

I know that too. I give in to is soft touches, unwillingly, yet always willing by the end, as always.

And then we climax to a burst of beautiful rhythm. He does it everytime, make me moan in delight and pleasure despite my Nos. And I love it better than him, his love making.

"We are mad people," I laugh.

"Why mad, we are the right kind of people, having fun, having life..."

He hugs me tight. I sleep in peace. In the crook of his arm, my best pillow ever.

Unworthy Priorities

When they called me for freelancing from THE MAG, I was like in seventh heaven. I was searching for topics and that is when Cools suggested her Art old man. But the old man is an old f I think. Crazy crackpot. This is my first assignment, hence am looking for something thats easy. I should have known better, and took up someone who was worth the name. I hope I dont lose my face on selecting such a ho-hum person. He seems to be so unworthy of this whole deal.

Coming to AD is tough bt for a rookie like Art OldMan, it must be the best deal thats ever come his way for publicity. So why is he shying away? Some people are like that only, huh? Never know how to get their priorities right

Monday, May 12, 2008

Muted Connections

I loved what I wrote yest, I mean the poetry on the mahila. It was inspired from Abandon's profile picture.

 

The unruly hair on the forehead, the eyes that didn't smile and the looks that eats into your soul. Its not the facade that really inspired me, but the expression, the way it spoke a hundred words to me through a picture, silent, harsh almost scalding, almost chiding, almost reprimanding me to be what I want to be, instead of camouflaging the *real* me.

 

It struck a chord with the wild gypsy child. In a language of silence, in a language of muted connections.

 

And then, the clouds dissipated, the humidity came down, the anger boiled out. There was the breeze, before the thunder rains, the silence before the rumbling pitter-patters. It started smelling- of wet earth and musky emotions. I opened the windows of my heart. I felt a shiver run through me. I smelt the heavenly dirt smell. And then a single drop- as heavy as a terracotta pot of water- it plopped on my forehead, slid down my eyelashes, washed out in my tears, and ran down my cheek, the first drop of a rain that came smattering down in downpours, harsh, unrelenting, rough, that it almost hurt me as each drop pelted with a force as sharp as dagger stabs.

 

I am in love with the rains, just as I am in love with him. Both taunt me, just the same- in the same ways. Both hurt me, just the same - in the same ways. Rough, unforgiving, harsh and urgent. There is no wait to be tender. There are no soft touches. There are no foreplays. Just a wild untamed wanton fierce possession - You are mine, No two ways about that.

 

And I give in, yield - to the rain, to you.

 

Over and over again.

 

I hate the strength, I hate my helplessness, I hate my surrender. But I am in love with the rains, with him. No two ways about that.

 

And wait for the next rain, the next pounding, the next pain. And wait for you to love me that way again.

 

For another moment, another word, another picture to inspire me to come again, to rain, to you. Passionately, unrestrainedly. Ready to feel that pain in love, that moment of passion, that esctacy of unremorse. For once again, I will be me. For once again, I will shed the mask of my grace to the world- to the rains that wash me over, to you that take me over.

 

Across the distance, across the vacuum, across the static of untouched touches...take me over, wash me out.

 

Rains and you - and the muted connections.

 

 

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Misery seeks no company...

It takes very little for mood swings...Sometimes it can be the onstart of cycles and flow, sometimes it can be the hormones, sometimes it can be PMS or MS too...
 
Yesterday's driving took a big toll on my mind. IT just keeps haunting. CAnt seem to forget the mistakes I made and the petrification I felt.
Compounded by the fact that he didnt even call to check up on me. I know, I know, he was real busy and he has the inaguration on 14th and he works at 45 Degrees Celsius and that he is stressed. Still, still how could anyone forget someone they love? When they know, the other person is an emotional and sensitive wreck. And the roads, so dangerous? If I were him and he me, would I have forgotten. I WOULDNT have! I know that for a fact.
 
Plus, I went and read all my diaries of 2001 to 2004 yesterday evening. How naive I was! ANd how naive I am still! I see the same emotions echoed then, just that then it was the cd release, that was the excuse for the emotional wringers. Now, his office, his RE project at home is the time drainer.
 
What can be summed is that, at any point of time, there will be something for him, that keeps him occupied or rather preoccupied. Which means family, children, all take a back seat!
 
If then, he pet and pampered me like a fragile doll, now he pets his babies. Which again implies that as time goes by, there will be more important things to him, than his babies.
 
Am I married to a flitter? A person who passes through life, always looking for other things, always making excuses for a real emotional commitment, siting reasons of hope and money in a distant future? A person who doesnt value the here and now, who doesnt enjoy what he has for NOW.
 
IF money and projects was his only aim in life, then why the hell did he get married? Whats the point in draining other people's life? To eyewash a larger public? To satisfy his parents? WTF!
 
O, woe be me,
misery here I am all thine...
 
 

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Phobia...

This fear, at the end of every cycle, of an unknown impregnation looming large in horizon, I wonder how many go through them?

Am I the only freak, who is so phobic about pregnancy or are there more like me?

You know what, I quit talking about how nice it is to know other people are having their own bundles of joys for fear of having to eat my own words? Just today, just today, I bit my tongue and stopped myself, from describing how nice it would be for my colleague who has had twins this week. I stopped short of describing the baby boom thats happening in my office since Feb. Its been a baby year this year at the Technorati- an entire mezz floor...Awwww Cute! And I bit my tongue

I hate being a woman! There never was any liberation..there never is going to be...whatever :S

Another drive...another lament...

I had to go for car service today-the first freaking one, the free one. It was also another first for me, I drove more than 5 kms alone for the first time today.

All I feel like doing now, once I have reached the safe haven of home is to cry. Why am I such a loser in driving now- me who used to dream of driving SUVs and zipping past deserts -me who used to dream of being a pilot-me who used to compete with bullets on the way to college on a mere scooty- how did that me transform to this wreck of nerves now! How? How? How?

Thank God I didnt cry inside the car, as I tried to reverse my car out of the Al Futtaims service center. What a mess I made. Someone waited for me to park in my vacant spot and that lady just drove off...And then the Arab, wth his "Yallah" What the hell with being so rude. Its my life and its my car and its a free road, I will go as slow as I please, YOU HAVENT APPENDED THE LANES OF UAE TO YOUR FAMILY PROPERTY isnt it?

But forget about other people, its their momentary impatience. I can forgive them. WHat I cant forgive is myself. Where has that competitive, enthusaistic, energetic, bold, courageous, smart me gone? Why am I like this?

Can living with a man, who pampers you and lets you do nothing on your own make you this bad? Can domesticity make a wimp out of you? Is this what I wanted to be?

Why have I become like this? Main Aisa kyun ho gaya?

I want to be the old wind...the tempest I once was...the butterfly who fluttered...the strong bird that once flew around...I will not forget what Robin said once, when Srini was looking for me, "Daa Avidae parannu nadakunnundu"...in my electric blue crepe churidhar...the steps of EC, the corridors of a government college...the challenges I had for myself....the bold girl who drove the red scoty...dangerous...bad...fast...furious...electrifying...yet sweet...adorable...n lovable...

Where is she?

In heart I am still forever the 20 year old, who dreamt a lot, who wanted the first love to be the last one, who dared and wished to be dared..

But somewhere mazhya has lost the dreams on the way, lost her way itself...

Where is she?

Uff

Uff Finally atleast blogger lets me post something...Its checking spam and hence not lettimng me see the blog 0_0 :S :(

Friday, May 9, 2008

The lil happy guy

My lil guy had his PTMeet today. He tells me at home, "My teacher, the teacher with a beautiful smile."

I told that to his Miss.Ju. She also said "Lil one has a beautiful smile. I also like his smile!"

Wow! I am like totally impressed, she is great!

Then, she asks, "F, you didnt tell me you have a lil sis?"

To which F goes, "This is my baby."

Double wow! F calls his lil sis his Baby! Masha Allah! Let him think so forever. Let them have a special soul sharing..special brother sister relation..be there for one another in silent strong soul ways...till they exist Alhamdulillah!

And Amen! to that!

Lil guy has made some mistakes in his tests, but frankly I dont care. He is too little for serious drill and I am happy with what he is...

Miss.Ju says he is active, picking up for his age, and quick, smart and good boy!

I am happy today :)

Small Things matter

Sometimes even small stuff disturbs you
And makes u want to stare at the details

What would I do?

Sometimes what you wish for just lands in front of you
Like an open open open treasure chest

But what if you don't will to put your mind in there...
What if you just feel like walking off?

NeverLand

Sometimes I am Tinker Bell and sometimes I am Wendy.

The story in neverland is such that Wendy learns to accept her adulthood, but mazhya doesnt. Sometimes she still believes she is the 14 year old that she once was, in a world where her daddy was alive, where her mummy neednt be the single parent and her sisters still babies with hairs styled on forehead and hanging on to her every word.

Mazhya is a free being, a free will, a free spirit...wishing for peace harmony and love all around her, for people to just love...be free in love...be alive...

Mazhya loves being wild, being a child, being with other children, beings who dont judge, who dont try to cheat, who dont want anything in return.

Mazhya wants to dream, love, and live...life to a full...no sadness, no depressions, no tears...