Only so long

I just found one thing.

 

An earth shattering sort of finding.

 

A tangent that never occurred to me, but now that I have found it, it fits the pieces in the puzzles like never before.

 

He is jealous of me. Plain and simple.

 

I have a good family, children, husband. A family. That has not forsaken me or will never forsake me, because they are my first priority. Love is foremost, above all else. And my children will always be my best commitment.

 

He does not have that. Or had it. But they abandoned him. For his character is so. And all he gets to do to be near his daughter is record umpteen Tom and Jerry and other cartoons to appease his daughter's love. What a pathetic waste. But he deserves that. For being the kind of person he is. Or rather, his loss of all things good in life, makes him the moron he is now. Understandable but not justified. Maybe if he knew his faults and attempted to rectify them, he might lead a better life from at least now on.

 

Second.

 

He cannot do half the things I do now. Professionally. He knows I am much more bright and intelligent than him. Much higher qualified than him. And if I were in his position, I would do a high standard job than him. So he is afraid of that too.

 

If I read the excel/word/MS documents like him(the only thing he does), I could topple him. He is afraid of that. It is that inadequacy that makes him so gossipy and bitchy. To avoid his shortcomings, he keeps pelting dirt at others.

 

How long will the wolf dyed blue, remain the king of the jungle. Only as long as a full moon night, where he finds the urge to howl unbearable and uncontainable.

 

Only so long.

I wish him respite...from the claws of eternal hell fire

For every bad word, he speaks against me

For every ill thought he spreads against me

For every malicious notion he spreads against me

For every every breach of his gnarly rotten conscience against goodness

 

I say a prayer for him, I wish his heart to rebuke his mind

I wish him guilt for all his wrongdoings

I wish he escapes from the claws of hell fire

That God lays in store for liars and gossipers

 

I wish him a transformation of his bad gene

I wish him a change of heart from mind

I wish him knowledge and awareness

OF all that he is so dreadfully unconscious of now

 

I wish him forgiveness from God Almighty

I wish him well

I wish him change from his devious devilish wrong ways

I wish him a difference and more of goodwill

Trust

I was thinking about what you said about trusting people...You know...that its always good to nurse a healthy amount of suspicion on all those who aren't directly related to you.

 

I disagree with that. I think we just need to keep our instincts sharp. When you talk with someone, at the first go, if you feel uncomfortable, let them go. Don't talk. If you feel an inkling of genuineness, I think it will be happier and a better relation, if you trust them. I think trust is the key in any relation.

 

The other side of it is, when you go with your instincts and suppose you made a mistake and the other person cheated you, don't give them a second chance. Give chance to break your trust just once. They aren't worthy people after that, neither of you, nor your trust.

 

Probably a journalist cannot afford to do that, yet, I think for an ordinary person like me, that is the only way. Extremism :)

 

And what is the fun in living if you always have to be careful? Whatever happened to that aspect of life, where spontaneity was the mother of all unbounded joys.

 

I think in the larger scheme of things, basic nature is what builds up attitude, in all aspects of thought and in general life. What do you think?

 

Probably it boils down to the attitude of Do or die!

 

 

All is well

So they have asked me to do an article on someone. And B is also approved for the bigger col. Great. And I am talking to him again, as before. All is well in heaven.

My dad went away from us o his permanent abode 17 long years back. It feels so long and when my babies ask about mummy I miss daddy all the more. I don’t even want to write about it.

Then Del- how did she figure it was abandon. Are things as open as that? Is it written all over my lady that I am in love with him? My goodness, paranoid me has her wild nightmares becoming true... But somehow I don’t feel fazed. All I feel is funny and how do I trick Del to make her believe its not the way she thinks. In short, mislead her!

I don’t know…

I don’t even know what to think. The last minute rejection of the art, made me feel so bad. I understand that they draw their stuff from csm and nyt and lat and also that, they have their reserve in it. It’s only a fact that they do not need stuff for that col. Because they get cute ones from their tribune.

Still, from my side, for me, it meant a lot. I need to face the fact that my best need not fit into others mould of excellence. I need to face the fact that my babies are precious only to me and not to all. Caliber and talent does not topple power and standards. And that I am mere loser, a sucker.

I can always pin my hopes to a star and try again. I know it might just take a one time shot to make them change their views, that talent is available even here too, not only in LA and NY. That they need to look beyond their ease and availability. I know I have the grit in me to make it work. Yet, I feel lost…

I don’t want to be talking to him, again and again. I know I am distancing someone, just like that and that makes me a less accountable person on terms of my integrity. But then, it’s also a known fact that I don’t need any more people in my life than the people whom I already have. I have best friends, I have sisters, I have a mom and a hubby who fills my life’s avenues. And I am no more the teeny bopper eyed little girl, who welcomed all smarty pants know it alls into my life. I am past that stage and even though I enjoy talking and being a cool wise cracker, it also makes me feel guilty when the friend is of the opposite sex. It makes me feel guilty, as I does not approve of being overtly friendly with anyone. I know I am restricting my freedom, but then I makes a lot of sense and it is for my best, so why shouldn’t I listen to him. After all the whole world put together cannot love me as he does or protect me and put me under their wings like he does. I trust him and his judgment. He is just too right.

But when has that stopped me from having another adventure with another person. And on the other hand I also love the sense of exhilaration when I talk to new people, when I exchange ideas, when I let in new ideas, when I discuss stuff with people who are of the same wavelength, same intellectual callibre, same frequency, regardless of gender.

Also, not being ready to talk to him again, is in no ways related to the rejection of my art. I am not that bad. I wasn’t like trying to use him or his positions to get my art take off. I am not a bitch. And more than him, I would hate doing something so downright cheap and dirty like that. To state clearly and in plain speak simile, I wouldn’t sleep with anyone for my promotion. I would let my work give me my promotion, no two ways about that.

The issue is like this- I have been taken for a ride by many smart asses before that, I no longer trust anyone. I can’t believe people go chummy with each other for no reason at all, esp. if they belong to the opposite gender. I no longer trust in the simplicity of relations as I once used to. Is that all that bad? Or do I make sense? I really don’t know…

Maybe I should just hang in here and try to find out. But many a times, it has lead me to lose my dignity, my elegance, my grace. You try to talk to someone and impress them with your lofty ideals and wild dreams; they just take advantage of you and use you. And you are left feeling worse than you imagined yourself in your paranoid mind.

This whole world is so full of worthless people, you know. People who are unworthy of the love and trust you place in them. I don’t know one single person who has not hurt me back, even though I have given them my all. Reminds me of a line…Even if a person does not love you the way you want, it doesn’t mean that they haven’t loved you with all of theirs. I wish I could believe in the sanctity of that and simply sleep over it. I wish…

I see no solution to my confusions. I know not what I should do. Time is the best teacher, I shall wait…

All done

For the ann celebs they came and did the profiles on me. The kut was such a nice man that he did a family shot also.

Today morning I thought he had send me only my shots. But he had send the rest to the other ids, what a kind old man. He had the courtesy to send me all those unofficially. How sweet. Knowing the fact that the pix are copyrighte to the people and they only give it if we request for it. It felt real nice.

I thot he send me only partly. How wrongly we judge people isnt it. We have all preconveived notions and so much distrust of people, we just tend to believe that all people are bad. But just look at the world.

Maybe we are too much on safegiard and distrust all too much. Maybe we need to believe a little more of this world

About uncle and his need for me.

It was a sad end to the Hocus pocus article. I feel so sorry for uncle.  Wish it didn't have to end up that way. I am just praying and crossing my fingers that it turns out to be a bogus. I hope his tests reveal that he is allright. I really wish him well. And I feel bad about all the fights I had with z regarding uncle and his non enthus ways. Anyways, as someone said, maybe he needed my prayers, and that is why things turned out this way. Looking at it now, makes me think, that indeed that is right. Uncle has got few people who will genuinely pray for him. So I guess he needs me, now. God please help him. He isn't all that rich or able to come out of this, so please spare him. Spare all of us God from all the miseries you plan for us. Please God.